Kertonmel: Sinsufficient Glory!
by Dilasc
Summary: Kertonmel is within the harsh steppes of Mongolia and features many new Pokemon. Wouldn't it be great to follow a new trainer on his journey? Sure would... unfortunately we're journeying with an overly hormonal, snarky, and egocentric jerk in first person


Well, it's that time again where I bring to front another story I likely will not finish! Warning, this story is CRUDE! It's vulgar, sexist and perverted. Henceforth, I'm thinking PG13 is good since there's nothing graphic actually mentioned, just LOTS of wordplay whether it's subtle or not: you decide! Most likely it's not and may just be roflmao sex jokes. Nothing wrong with those, no? They won't be as prevelent later because not every chapter is first person... and if it is, it's not always the same character.

I hope you like Double Entendres because… uh… well, I forgot the punch line!

In any case, disclaimer is that anything said here is just for the sake of story or lulz… I tend to fall off the deep end into a lull.

Be hopefully blown away by new Pokemon and new types the likes of which you've only maybe seen before.

In any case: Welcome yourselves to Kertonmel! Enter an adventure that snarks its way through hardship and rigorous danger. Enter the story of…

**Kertonmel: Sinsufficient Glory!**

Shall we begin?

**Chapter 1: A Glimpse of Awesome**

Have I ever mentioned how great I was? No seriously, I'm just plain badass and nobody knows it yet. To be fair, I try to conceal this greatness for now, but just you wait! I'm about to embark into that wild world and everyone will want to see the glory of my balls; they'll think I'm an awesome Pokémon trainer too.

So who the hell am I? Well, if you don't yet know, I'm Ralph Garbinto, and I live near the desert of Kertonmel: it's sort of a dry place, but as we travel, you'll learn more about this place than you'll care to know. Heck, I barely care myself!

Anyways, I'm fourteen, and it wasn't my birthday recently… where would anyone get the idea of people starting their journeys right at about their birthday? No, really? Is it like, every trainer is a spring chicken or something? Me, I'm just a giant cock; height I'd say is… average for my age.

Yes, gaze at my perfect blue hair! You gotta have blue hair or something. It's curly though, which I'm surprised more people aren't. You'd think the curler existed worldwide but everyone wears their hair flat… or in spikes. What're those whack jobs thinking?

So, where was I? Oh yea, me being awesome! I'm headed over to meet with a sexy woman who I'm dying to meat… I mean meet… no, I wanna do bot, heh. Susanne Conifer, so what if she's two and a half times my age plus three years, she has a reputation of bringing children into her workspace to take monsters from her. Maybe I should repay her with one of my own, ya think?

It happened last week when I had applied for the second year in a row for one of the starting beasts so I could get glory! I got disqualified the first time when I said something nasty to one of the girls there. Not that it was wrong, because it wasn't.

Look, her skirt was WAY too short and I simply had to know how it never showed… anything beneath. It had to have been like magic, or some shit. For realz, how do those things not fall off? Why even wear them that short if you know guys want to look underneath, right? Uh… am I right? Stupid sexy hotties! You know the inevitable will happen. Not to mention, I was DYING to see… at that rate it might've been literal.

Hah! So, anyway, here we are! We stand at the pinnacle of hawtness. A sexy woman with round objects to put in my hand, though not the kinds I really want. Eh, with what I get I'll be rolling in them soon enough… just you all wait!

So, I've been thinking over the creatures that I'm to get: Pokémon - Small monsters that live in balls near your belt. Whoever invented these would've been a case for Sigmund Freud to call the ultimate answer! I think history said that one of his patients had the basic schematic… sick fucker! Not that I don't mind balls at my belt as they'll take a kick meant for less durable but far mare awesome ones!

Hmmm, the Pokémon in question now… okay, let me see if I can explain them because they're just… weird. It's like some kid made them with a bunch of stickers and whatever god or creator gave them life played a cruel joke and let them somehow manage with such twisted existence.

I'll start by saying this simple fact: all of them are cyclopean, one eyed freaks. If I were a wuss, this would be the stuff to fuel my nightmares. They also have the oddest colors befitting their… types.

Deep breath Ralphie… give me a moment because if you can't see these creatures (and you can't, most likely) then the best way to describe them is the most longwinded and probably the most boring. Fortunately, I'm not boring because I'm badass so entertaining people for me is easier than Nintendo doing so!

We'll start with the grass type: Corvolden. Now, most lands have a creature that's green, with at least four legs, either bipedal or quad… Corvolden is a fucking corn stalk! I kid you not! It is yellow corn and its leaves are burnt brown. It has no legs and the leaves are 'hands.' It is cool enough with where a stem on corn usually is a FUCKING SOCKET PLUG. Yea, it has a socket plug! How was this some sort of beneficial trait in a natural world anyway?

In any case, I think it might be cool, since it's a grass type, and an electric type… you don't know what types are? Well, good thing I'm here to tell you, right? Of course I'm right, because I'm awesome! But as I said, it's got two types, which is way useful.

Next, the water type, Liqwierd, has a name that sounds like it'd fit a porn star. This thing must baffle science and faith alike. How do I make this simple? No, seriously, how do I make the description easy to understand? How the hell? I just… I better begin before my brain pops.

OKAY! So, if Corvolden is corn, then Liqwierd is a mutant mermaid with an amorphous body... that's literally the best description I could give as a basic! Liqwierd's lower body has a red fishy mermaid fin, not long, but just… there. Its body is, as I said, like it literally is water, but it's a dark purple! Its arms have no fingers, ending in rounded stubs and its eye in the middle of its face is a glowing green. This thing would make me piss myself if I didn't fear it merging with the liquid I make.

I hear it looks more like a real mermaid with evolution, and becomes more of a ghost. Hmm…. I'm not that desperate… wait, I'm not desperate at all. Women fall naked at my feet willingly! For real. Just let's get to the last one!

Anteekay: An, friggin' teekay. How do I describe it? Well, it's a bug, a black army ant of a sort. It has a singular netted bug eye in the middle of its face and segmented legs… two of them. From what I learned, this two segmented ant crawls around using its antennae AS legs to help propel its motion. It can't even walk straight. At least Liqwierd can hover and Corvolden can bounce. This thing is slow as hell and uses its sensory head thingies to WALK.

Hey god, Arceus, All Father, etcetera… kiss my sexy Mongolian ass! If you're a woman, use your tongue! To be sure, this is clearly not nature's favorite creature, and to be fair, it is an endangered species. But why in the name of yummy girl kitty would any new up and coming trainer find a train wreck like this to be useful. I'll admit: the ghostly blue fire that puffs up infrequently is badass, just like me (in case you forgot,) but still.

Do girls find these creatures cute? Will a man like me, awesome I may be, ever crack the eternal question about the human woman? Maybe… maybe.

One more thing about Anteekay, it's not even a fire type, which I think SHOULD be illegal, but evolving into one might be helpful, I suppose. Still, it looks like it wants out of its misery.

That's why I'm going to avoid it at all costs. Ha-ha… ha… I have this sneaking suspicion that irony is going to thwack me in the face.

Hmm, I've gotten so lost giving you all such worthless exposition, you didn't get to watch my last breakfast: uh, picture it like the last supper but with playboy bunnies, robotic pirates being offed by my kung fu, and a picture of Groudon in the background giving me a thumbs up. We're totally homeboys!

So, here I am at the door to Conifer's place. There's a door, so obviously I'm opening it… I don't have to tell you such useless shit, do I? I likely might, but beholding what's ahead, I see two women who aren't useless… not until I find them to be.

Susan is in her thirties, and women look good for a long time… I measured the length on my wang… you won't understand the complex math because you are simple humans. She has sea green hair that flows down her face, and tends to block it and the blue eyes within. She's not much taller than me, but she has a knock… err! Two, actually, and nice sized… don't ask for that measurement bullcrap. To me, being anything to look at is good enough.

Also there waiting is another woman, well, a girl. Since I am fourteen, she's legal enough for me to do things to. I've seen her in school too, so maybe she already knows I'm awesome. That's good because it saves me from wasting… uh, seven minutes of my life.

Tanya Ricket, some twelve year old cutie. Her hair is black, her eyes are brown and her boobs are small short: not the best combination of awesome, but I'll take it. Her greeting smile means she totally wants me. Her words follow "Aren't you that kid who stares a lot and says dumb things?"

Well… what a bitch, "Aren't you that girl who forgot the meaning of subtlety?" my words are a bit harsh, but she's making me look bad and sound bad! "Anyway," I continue… why am I feeling hesitant to speak all of a sudden? "I'm here. Can I make my choice?"

Susan sighs at me, her eyes not leaving me. She looks like she's gauging my every move as though I'll start trouble. Looks, of course are deceiving. She's totally checking me out because I'm sex on wheels… whatever that means.

She speaks, her voice like rich and smooth velvet, "If you behave yourself Garbinto, yes you may. However, Tanya has already taken Liqwierd."

Yadda yadda! She goes on to say a bunch of other useless thingies about responsibility. Things I remember from LAST YEAR! In any case, Corvolden is my choice. But somehow I wonder a few things… surely this delay won't cost me.

"So," I say to the legal girl, "uh, why…. Well, that!" I point at the Pokéball. I can't even form words!

"Liqwierd is awesome and cute!" she replies with a smug pout… yea that might possibly be ironic, but just go with it, "you wouldn't understand."

"Ya got that right!" and man do I agree with my outer voice more than ever. If this girl is high, she'd better share with me! "So do you h…" I am interrupted by the DOOR yet again.

In walks a somewhat older blank slate of sexy. This girl has yellow wavy hair going to her shoulders that really doesn't interest me in the least. The curves for one her age are unheard of: hey all father, Arceus, Imhotep, Hugh Heffner, whoever! I take it all back! Make creatures unworthy all you want, you just better make curves even younger!

To be fair, I know her too. She's Janie Yurtz, and she is a year older than me… like that'll stop my fantasy. If I remember right, she was a new girl last and I hear she can cook. A girl who can already make my dinner, is it? I'm in sexist heaven! Sadly, unlike Tanya and Professor Conifer, Janie is wearing pants, and not a dress I wouldn't dare peak up until I actually made my choice.

"Hello!" her voice is deep and sultry. I'm melting! Save me, Zeus!

"Aaaa…" my mouth hangs, and no, it's not the only thing hung right now. "An…" I can't even enunciate a J right now… what the crap is wrong with me?

The girl smiles… I can't tell if it's wicked or not, her eyes are too far out of my peripheral, but her voice keeps me stuck, "Ms. Conifer," she begins nicely, "do you still have Corvolden?"

"Of course!" the MILF without children replies, "Ralph here is taking too long, so it's yours!"

"Yay!" she replies… yay? YAY? What kind of believab… wait, that means I get…

"Shit!" and in multiple definitions of the word. My mind is in a daze as I approach. Words that you nor I care about (though in my case I'm just not paying attention) are being spoken as I acquire the god's chew toy specie.

This meant I would receive Anteekay and it means that Zeus is crapping thunder on me… like in that one fighting movie… uh, Twilight… or was that just thunderously crappy.

"Um… I don't…" I can barely finish a sentence here!

"You don't want it?" Conifer suggested, "Well you can always try again... next year!" she's grinning... was I really so disliked for my sexy words? Honestly, I don't get it; don't women like to be wanted? They go for guys who abuse and attack them with attack combos even Street Fighters wouldn't dare to use. Wait, no, I get them regardless, have I mentioned that enough times yet?

"Couldn't I trade, babes?" I asked. I had the right to ask, no?

"No!" was Tanya's reply, "I picked the Liqwierd, I will not budge!"

Janie seems a bit more hesitant, "Well..." she's speaking all ellipses-like, "I don't know..."

"I'll throw in my first capture!" why was I sounding so fervent.

She seems to in turn, smile back, there's something running through her head, "you do know traded creatures are less likely to listen to strangers, right?" She sounds sweet enough, enough to match her body for sure.

"With a pair like..." I feel this sudden urge to stop myself; the two older girls here are leering at me angrily. I feel my defenses dropping! "I mean, if the creature has a pair, I will personally come back and cut it off if it don't obey!"

"Uh... I'll pass, Ralph," she hesitantly concludes, "sorry! I think you should respect a lady's choice, we find it a turn-on," she winks.

"But I..." wait, did she say 'turn on?' "Very well. I respect your wishes." I figure I should bow like a gentleman right here. Maybe I'll score some easy just like that. Instead, she just shakes her head with a giggle. Is she trying to seduce me?

"Eww," is all the younger girl adds, somewhat uselessly.

I don't think I'm going to get my answer because Conifer clears her throat authoritatively. "Well then. Before you all leave, I want to speak to each of you individually about things I know you might need a little help with."

It is here where minutes pass. Both girls come and go quickly enough, but her eyes fall on me rather harshly. Somehow, I feel this might take a while. And then she asked me to sit down in that stern way you hear in movies and shows. This was indeed going to be harsh.

"Now, Ralph, I know you want to be a Pokémon trainer," she asks, "but I have to ask... why?"

"Why not? Doesn't every kid?" is my reply. It's a fair one, no? I mean every kid practically DOES, don't they?

"How about the real reason?" she asks, she's not buying it... well I'll think of some bullcrap... uh oh, she's getting closer, she's not. Oh Zeus, it's... it's... the stare!

"I wanna get girls!" I answer faster than I even realize. I shut my eyes, open them and quickly answer again, "I mean, I want adventure like my mother did!" Both secretly are true answers... yet the thing is, which is more socially acceptable, eh?

"I see... well you should be aware of the law with your first reason..." the sexy adult explains, "but your second answer should probably be your default choice from now on."

Humor, she has it in droves... you can't tell but I'm definitely being sarcastic. She continues to speak before I can interrupt, "I remember that. It was two years ago after all. I was full out on applications so she went to... Brenetmos," ooh, darker tone, that must be foreshadowing or something... if I cared.

Well, if you must know, it's because Conifer and Brenetmos are rival professors. Brenetmos isn't much of a Pokémon professor. He's more a biologist who is licensed for giving new Pokémon out. The strange thing is that he gets his from a good distance overseas. His usual suspects come from Japan for some reason.

My mother got from him this creature called a Turtwig. She... didn't make it. No, she's not dead or missing, that'd be a silly cliché to bite me in the ass later! Far from it, she just got in a low position in the Pokémon League. She came in thirty-seventh place if I recall correctly. I'll explain the league later, but I have to finish rambling first.

So, where was I? Oh yea! Mom still contacts me, dad and my six year old sister, but I think Kylie is starting to grow distant from mom... I try to keep her interested. Mom sends a good deal of winnings home for us when she does. I think she's south of here now in some Chinese region called... Kydonastik. Yea, the Chinese are weird!

Actually, it's not too unlikely for people to have family who've tried their luck in the league. Tanya's older sister, who I don't remember as anything other than Bombshell, got in sixth place last year... she must've used her superpowers to win. I would if I had those! Hmm, I think I've gone on a bit too long of an exposition... the professor babe is speaking.

"Brenetmos is a bad person. Three years ago he played a trick on a boy who thought his sister died! That poor kid was bitter and hateful... wasn't too bad for a newbie though." she's ranting too.

She's telling the story of one Phillip Molson... it was on the news a whole bunch, because... no, I'd rather not. Maybe one day SOMEONE will finish that tale. For now, I think this is my story, is it not? "Get on with it!"

She seemed shocked and genuinely embarrassed; it's a pretty sight, her face all red! "If it's just to go on adventure, you'd better be careful. I pulled a few strings to give you this chance."

Now this is news to me, "I had to turn down this potential kid who BEGGED not to go to Brenetmos. Do you know what this does to me? I'm trying to procure him an extra Corvolden as an apology," I think I can interject here. You know what I'm going to ask, "And no you cannot turn that in for his instead." Apparently, she did too.

"Never mind, then. Is that all?" I'm honestly bored here.

"I'd say so…" she replies as her phone rings. If you don't know, phones have visual camera linked to computer screens… sometimes technology feels somewhat imbalanced with its so called 'progress.'

"Hey Professor!" says the voice. Familiar, too familiar, she's… no way!

I pause and turn around, sure it's been a year, just about, but it's so familiar. Could it be? "Liza Pumpel?" I tell ya what I'D like to pump. Well, maybe, Liza is a friend and doesn't think I'm actually creepy. Wait, no woman does, forget I said anything. Sure, she moved to this town, Lipii, two years ago, but we hit off as… friends… without benefits. Part of me DIES every time I realize this truth, but at the same time, friends are nice to have. Also, somehow I feel bad for her. She has no mother… Well okay, a divorce cemented that fact, not death, but still.

I remember Liza being lucky and going to journey last year. Lucky, sexy bitch! Her starter was a Corvolden, again, a luckier bitch is she! To top it off, she went west to the region called Noscoviet, in Russia. That I don't understand. Why would you go to Russia? The fact is simple: in Soviet Russia Pokémon catch you!

This green haired cutie managed to not get caught by these communist Pokémon… nah, I'm just kidding. See, we in this world don't have any beef with Russia, though on the flipside never ask for beef FROM Russia, that stuff tastes horrible!

In any case, she did really well: fifth place! And now she was coming home to journey back here in Mongolia… in Kertonmel! I'm digressing again, aren't I?

"Ralph?" she asks, somehow recognizing my voice even though it's been submerged to the depths by puberty. "What are you doing here?"

"I… I was just leaving…" don't stammer, don't stammer… "I… well, uh…" fuckin' moron! I told me not to do it! This is why I can't have nice me… that doesn't make sense, does it?

"Oh, you got yer first Pokémon, did you?" she smiles, almost beaming proudly for me, "good for you!"

"If you don't mind, Liza... Phone charge isn't cheap! What is it you wish?" oh Conifer, I have two coconuts and a mega branch that belong in your bushes.

"Oh!" Liza stammers, I can't help but laugh… why am I being a douche bag? "I want to trade out some Pokémon. You did get the Smoochum I recently caught, right?" a nod and a 'yes' was her response, "I, well, I want to take it out. I'm sending over my Embabison."

Well, about those Pokémon. I'm sure I'll run across them both in my travels. I will not only remember to point them both out, I'll point out any evolutionary stages they may have as well. Personally, I want to catch a magic type… I hear they're very strong.

Magic type you say? I'll explain that. Basically, ya know how every land has legendary beasts of splendor and majestic valor? Well, here in Kertonmel, we're dicked outta luck on benevolence! We got the crappiest legendaries ever: the Oni. These psychopaths, or so the story goes, tried to pull the moon into the planet to spread untold chaos. Chaos is their best form of sustenance.

Since all five managed to regroup, it is said that seven seals were unleashed, freeing seven types upon the world. The process was a bit unstable, but most Pokémon were changed forever. Type changes still aren't fully recorded, and some creatures are weakened, others strengthened by finally having a type to suit them. For the most part, type changes make sense. But like everything else, I'll explain this to myself later. I have to wonder why I'm talking to myself like this though.

"Ralph! Is that facial hair I see?" Liza notices… well, it's not face hair. It's mostly some dirt on my face, but maybe… chicks dig the beard!

"Why yes," smooth operator, I am! Why talk like Yoda I does? "Do ya like it?" and there goes Casanova, slamming the door on my face and showing instead a desperado.

Before she could emasculate me in front of a childless MILF, Liza spoke again, "Oh no! I've been six minutes… If I go too much longer… I have to call my dad! Cya later!"

Susanne smiled as she hung up the phone, "take care, Elizabeth!" That's her full name, but you can probably figure that out yourself. I personally think it's a pretty name. Then again, you can name a girl Swamp babe, and I'll still be aroused if she wants to get down and dirty!

Wouldn't ya know it though… just as I'm about to have mind sex with She-hulk, Ms. Conifer speaks once more. "Well then, maybe you two will fight in the league…"

That sounds contrived! "That sounds contrived!" Sometimes I can't help but say exactly what I think… I'm sure this won't ever bite me in the ass!

"There have been odder fates before… but I'm holding you up. Your sister will probably want to see you before you leave." Does she REALLY need to bring her into this?

I love my sister! I'd die for her, but… NO! She's already starting to have 'mommy issues' because Mom hasn't been home except on rare breaks from her adventures: three breaks in total! If I were that young, I'd be jarred too. So jarred I wish were canned… like soup. Mmm, soup! What was I talking about again? It was either chicks or Pokémon… maybe it was both and how I was hoping to find a Torchic, that'd be a much more kickass starter!

"Oh, don't forget this. It's your Pokédex! You'll probably need it." She hands me the device and I just pocket it. I'll explain more about what it looks like later, but for now, I want to leave! Somehow this hawtie vexes me! And yea, I'll explain how I'm good with big words too eventually as well… not that you care about trivialities like that, ya?

I say nothing more to the not quite MILF, not quite cougar as I depart… it'd be nice to see my family again for what may be the last time in a potentially long, LONG time. Time, ('Father' Time if you prefer)… even if you are the same thing as space: you're the cruelest bastard ever, aren't ya?


End file.
